The Sassy Sandpiper battles a cold.

By: M.R. Wilson, Columnist, TB Reporter

It’s been more than a week since I sheltered away from home to escape Hurricane Irma’s wrath. While I am yet in an odd state of spellbound gratitude for safe cats and safe house, the symptoms we all know only too well are making me irritable. I tried taking a selfie for this column. All photos look like Grumpy Cat.

Why is there no cure for the common cold? I have a theory.

I think it’s not just a clever virus that pounds a compromised immune system into submission but a tiny monster with green slimy scales that sets up housekeeping in our heads. Since the most common culprit is a rhinovirus, I figure it has horns, too. In my case, Tiny Monster’s new home is just behind the bridge of my nose in a comfy cavity that leads to the back of my throat and stretches midway into my chest. Perfect topography for cascades of congestion. The sinuses are a fun place for a family excursion. You see, Tiny Monster is lonely, so hurries to replicate Tiny Monster Companions. Within hours, there are millions, whose sole intent is bringing you down.

There is no cure for the adaptability and ingenuity of Tiny Monsters. They monitor our misery and laugh. The products we ingest to alleviate our sneezing (Why not rate it like we do hurricanes?) and coughing (Richter scale?) are mere amusements for TM’s and provide no lasting relief. Thank goodness for the formulations that include alcohol; they provide a few hours of sleep.

I’ll admit the second part of my theory is conspiratorial:  There is no cure for the common cold because such a discovery would steal billions of dollars from Big Pharma. In 2014, the most popular cold remedy, Alka-Seltzer Plus, brought in $181.5 million in sales in the month of July alone.

The only real defense we have is rest, getting back to those blessed night-time concoctions including alcohol in the active ingredient list. The daytime formulas never did me much good; I suggest wine. Seriously soothing for a sore throat.

I trust the old standbys:  Extra Vitamin C, zinc and echinacea rally my body’s natural defense system. White blood cells wrestle Tiny Monsters until their horns fall off and they die. Lots of water, too. Yeah, why not? Helps flush the Tiny Monster corpses off their death beds in my nasal passages and bronchial tubes.

I’m sure you have your own arsenal against colds. More power to you, friend.

Still, the best way to defeat the Tiny Monsters is to avoid them in the first place. Stay away from germy humans. I knew that was impossible. I knew I was doomed in the dark hours of Irma’s rampage through Pinellas County, upon hearing an ailing teenager’s “productive cough” a few yoga mats and inflatable mattresses away.

I hope he’s on the mend, as I am.

M.R. Wilson | Sassy Sandpiper | Common Cold | Health | Tampabay News | TB Reporter

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